Say What?

5 “Feminist” Pop Stars that Should Stop Making Videos

I’m not a ladies man, or anything. Nor would I ever consider myself the self-appointed male spokesman for women’s rights.  But I do believe in the advancement of women and the refinement of their role in our society (whatever that means).  Women, let’s face it, have been dealt a mediocre hand in our world, and I feel proud that I can do my part to end the madness by marrying a woman who can very easily beat me up.

But seriously, it’s refreshing for me to see a female artist hit the mainstream and raise consciousness about the degradation of women found in today’s society and the need for women to assess their strength and independence from a male-dominated culture.

However, some women need to shut the hell up.

What do I mean?  I’m talking about the women who preach “Girl Power,” but then dress like desperate groupies.  The lyrics will laud female independence and the idea of not needing a man to be happy or complete, but the music video will cater exclusively to the “horny adolescent male” demographic.

Still don’t know what I’m talking about?  Let me demonstrate…

Beyoncé, “Single Ladies”

Well, Beyoncé, you sure told him.  Whoever this completely rhetorical male douchebag is, he obviously didn’t appreciate you enough to put a ring on your finger, and so now you’re free to do whatever you want. Am I getting that right?  Wow. What an independent, dignified woman you are.

Just one problem… when 12-year-old boys are coming home from reform school, watching your video on YouTube, and then pressing their little premature boners right up against the computer screen, they’re not thinking “Hey, maybe this woman is worthy of respect and dignity.”

Coup de Grâce: The hip gyration going on at 0:55. Exactly how many pole dancers were there at the last women’s rights rally you went to?  Yea. That’s pretty much what I thought.

TLC, “No Scrubs”

Okay, I’m not trying to speak ill of the dead, so please don’t send me e-mails. But this is just sad.  Fine, TLC… you don’t want some guy who thinks he’s cool hollering at you.  We’ve all been there.  But what’s with the outfits?  Are those laquer pants?  All three of you are dressed like exactly the kind of women that low-lifes and reprobates would holler at (except for Chilli, who’s dressed like the vice-president of the Marilyn Manson fan club).

And the dancing.  The hip gyrating.  The thrusting.  That doesn’t say “respectable.”  That says “desperate for attention.”

Coup de Grâce: 0:28. Did she just wipe her ass? Classy.

Shania Twain, “That Don’t Impress Me Much”

Am I the only one who just doesn’t get this video?  Shania is wandering through the desert wearing leopard-print and carrying what appears to be a matching bass drum, and she needs a ride. Five dudes stop to pick her up: a leather-wearing rocket scientist on a Harley, a Brad Pitt impersonator, a random douche in a hot rod, the gayest army man I’ve ever seen, and Muslim Zorro.  But none of those guys “impress” her and she refuses them all, even though the ride situation in the desert is pretty scarce (I’m guessing).  Oh, and there’s pot smoke coming out of a random set of pipes.

Aside from sending the message that she’d rather have her pasty sun-dried carcass eaten by buzzards than accept a ride from an otherwise-harmless male, I’m forced to point out the outfit.  There are only two reasons why any woman would wear that outfit: to show the world you have no friends, and to destroy your chances of being nominated to serve on the supreme court.

Coup de Grâce: Another hip gyration at 1:56 (are you starting to see a pattern here?). Clearly the R&B market has no monopoly on slutty dancing.

Toni Braxton, “He Wasn’t Man Enough”

Another woman with impossible standards.  In this video, Toni Braxton tries to convince Robin Givens that the man she’s with is a slime ball on the grounds that he wasn’t “man enough” for Toni when he was with her, even though she could have easily made a more compelling argument by pointing out that the guy in question is wearing leather pants.

If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that no credible feminist wisdom can be obtained from a music video that takes place in a dance club.  And then there’s the scantily-clad ensemble of provocative dance moves toward the end.  What else do you expect, at this point?

Oh, and for the record… if you play this song at twice the speed, you’ll swear it’s Justin Timberlake singing.  Go ahead.  Try it.

Coup de Grâce: Apparently the cartoon scene at the beginning (0:02-0:15), which I thought was added by the same horny fan who posted the vid, is actually a legitimate part of the music video.  So yea.  There’s that.

The Pussycat Dolls, “I Don’t Need a Man”

I don’t even know where to begin.

For starters, if you’re going to form an all-female R&B group that wants respectability in a pretty much male-dominated industry, you might want to avoid putting the word “pussy” in your name.  I get it… I’m sure The Vagina Cloths was already taken by some thrash metal group on Myspace, so you had to go with your next best choice.  But let’s think outside the box here.

On top of that, if you’re going to film a music video for a single with lyrics that indicate that you don’t need male attention, try to wear something more than just underwear in every scene.  The whole damn video looks like a four-minute-long Victoria’s Secret commercial.  Because if there’s one thing that screams “female empowerment,” it’s underwear ads, right?

Coup de Grâce: Seriously, have you watched this video? I’m literally having to choose between the vagina shot at 0:40, the Prince-esque pink silhouette scene from 0:55 to 1:03, the ever-present hip gyrations at 1:43, and the chick at 3:10 trying to put on her pants, among just about ever other scene in this entire video.

You’re begging the question, Pussycat Dolls.  If you don’t need men, why are you so desperately trying to get them to watch your music videos?